Bane Macleod

Better Man My Ass

WARNING: THIS IS GOING TO BE ONE OF "THOSE" POSTS!
WARNING: TYPICAL BLOG ENTRY MAY BORE YOU TO TEARS!

Sometimes life is grand, other times.. life is a miserable whore. I have had my mix of both, and while life making you it's own personal man-bitch can seem like a really bad thing at the time, it can also give you a rather unique outlook on the relatively minor problems that people go through in day to day life. Things that for whatever reason some people decide to make into huge issues. While life's little problems can sometimes have a cascading effect and become one large snowball of misery that you are forced to deal with all at once, usually it comes in tiny little nuggets of misery that can be isolated and dealt with without a major emotional meltdown. I guess that's why I'm curious as to why so many people have such a difficult time accepting life for what it is, essentially one large mass of tangled relationships and mistakes big and small.. sometimes ending well, but more often than not having to be manipulated into a manageable situation that can be digested with a grain of "who said life is fair?".

I was a horrible child / teen / young adult. When I say horrible I don't mean sometimes I made off with a dollar from my moms purse to buy a lollipop horrible, I mean sometimes I made off with 40 dollars and a pack of cigs from my moms purse and then went to the store and stole the lollipop regardless. Then came home and sat next to my mom who was trying to relax from a full day of work and figure out where her money went and fake choking because of her smoke. I.. was an asshole. The kind of kid as a future parent that I fully dread even the possibility of having. I have NIGHTMARES of that very thought.

I woke up one day in a little college town living in a house known to most of the region as "the crack house" (on account of the fact that it was a constant party there with people in and out constantly) and realized that I had been pretty drunk and useless for the past two years or so, and decided to do something about it. So I found a girl I adored and moved to be with her, in the process moving both of us away from our families and doing a great deal of harm to her life, a theme I also stuck with into my early 20's. Not just doing stupid things to get away from my own life, but dragging females with me. For an ugly guy I was incredibly successful at getting them, and always made sure to keep just enough vested in the relationship to know when it was going to end so I could be sure to be ready with the next girl. Me, my ego. and my fragile self confidence wouldn't manage well on our own, so we tried to keep a forth around for a bit of company.

So I suppose it's some sort of cosmic karma wipe I am trying to accomplish by giving a lot whenever I can to people. Sometimes my need to help people is insane, I'll go out of my way looking up this or that to try to help someone who has acted cold to me in the past. (a trait I notice in some of my friends as well) Or spend full days working on things for others when my own projects, or projects for people that I really SHOULD be helping on account of their being my closest friends, working on other peoples issues. I do that a lot. A. Lot. I actually love doing it though. When I am able. I love helping people and it feels good to help someone work through a problem, yet at the same time it fucking kills me when I don't have the ability/knowledge/skill to assist someone. That's not the biggest problem though.

The biggest difficulty I have in my quest to be the best person I can to make up for my somewhat shady past is the person who just doesn't care about who or what I am, just knows that I am Bane. That vbStats guy. That HiveMail guy. Somehow because you have my IM information from some board I went to years ago you think its ok to message me complaining about something that really I have very little to do with. And when I tell you that I don't have the time or inclination to sit and hold your hand through the cold time between software updates you treat me like I've done you something wrong. Do me a favor. Die. Don't write, don't call, just fuck off. I try to help when I can but I'm not your fucking info line for every single thing that you could take 5 seconds out of your busy schedule to look up on Google. Life can make me it's man-bitch, but you dear sir have to wait in line.

I give you "Dorothy", "Dorothy" is one of my closest friends and has the unique luck to have just about everything she touches involving hardware on her computer go fantastically wrong in a manner unthinkable to any other human. To have her kind of luck your pets would have to spontaneously combust at random whenever you turn on a light switch. It's truly bizarre. "Dorothy" being one of my close friends should obviously be first in line to receive any helpful hands I have to offer, yet she will spend HOURS looking something up on Google so she doesn't have to bother me. This.. is extreme. To her however she wants to learn, and I think, somewhere inside her catastrophically inclined head she realizes that it actually pains me when there is nothing I can do for her. I mean, she's used to me procrastinating, but .. She has such a high opinion of my abilities that it actually drives me insane when there is something I just don't know. As though I have done something wrong because I haven't used every piece of software on the market enough to walk someone through it by heart. But when I don't she understands. That's understands, not flips out because I'm hiding something from her.

Now I give you "Dick sucking unthankful bastard type person". "Dick sucking unthankful bastard type person" is NOT my close friend. I don't even like him. The few times I have talked to said person they have 1) Blasted my opinions 2) Attempted to undermine me at work and 3) begged for my help with PHP.. which was, sadly enough, given. The problem with "Dick sucking unthankful bastard type person" is although we are not friends and although he is a dick sucking unthankful bastard, he doesn't really understand that I don't know everything, and some things that I DO know are not for him to know until they are public. "Dick sucking unthankful bastard type person" thinks I am holding out on him because he is special. He is not special. He.. Is a dick. The fact that I helped you in the past was making up for my mortal sins as a youth, not because you are worth a shit. Because you aren't. Asshole.

For that person I have some advice. Nothing save the Apocalypse or Bush getting drunk near the button spells the end of the world. A piece of software being overdue will NOT kill you. And even if it was going to kill you I don't make the decisions on everything involving everything I have anything to do with, and I'm the wrong person to ask. Have some balls and ask the person that you're so angry at instead of taking it out on me. Or alternatively, take some time and think about the fact that you're drilling someone who has gone out of their way to help you on multiple occasions in the past into the ground because you're unhappy with someone else's decision making. Pause your homicidal urges over php errors to reflect at the relative simplicity of your problems when compared to someone who.. for example is married to a complete skank who fucked around on him multiple times, bringing home a nice communicable disease and an abortion bill, who is also having severe credit problems because her and her boyfriend decided to max out the credit card and he MAY have been the one driving when she wrecked his car.. drunk.. on the way home from an orgy..

Also note, as in my case, it's never too late to stop being an asshole. And don't think my crusade to be a better man is going to save you from getting a big fat go fuck yourself the next time you have a problem with that pos site of yours eh? eh? Wooooooooooo!