Bane Macleod

Life Without Her

Sometimes I wake up with her arms around me. I smile and groggily reach for the hand that isn�t there, touching only my blankets. I can't feel her against my back anymore. I snap out of sleep with the realization that she�s gone... Still.

In fact she has been for months. But every night I spend my time with her, my dreams are rich with love and a sense of justification for the many trials we made it through. Then I wake and remember that we didn't make it at all.

I'm coping� Ok, I�m trying to.

Being in love can be a rough thing, being in love with a memory is even worse. I really don�t know what to do with myself from time to time, in fact, most of the time. Sometimes I�m even elated that it�s over, no more late night arguments on the phone, no more jealousy, no more trust issues and wanting to strangle perfect strangers. Sometimes I want to cry all over again, for what I lost, for what I need so much right now. In hindsight I can spot every mistake I made.

Every greedy transgression is there and highlighted for my reviewing pleasure. I remember when I argued with her for 2 hours over something that was so trivially insignificant that it wouldn�t warrant even talking about in a review of what happened in a recap of the day, or the hour for that matter. And it was something that I had did, and argued that I had every right to. But I didn�t. I remember all the times that I talked over her, wouldn�t let her speak, shut her down, made her cry.

She did a lot wrong too. Things I�m not sure I should have ever forgiven. But I did, and I do.

I love her. I miss her. I hope she is well. I owe her so much, and I gave her so little. But that�s the story with me a lot.

If you read this Xian, just know that I love you, and I wish you the best, no matter what I say when I�m being stupid.